we need no roads.

My sense of reality was jolted.

There was a sense of loss.

You sway into my life, and

suddenly there is a little bit of

light that I need so badly.

My little storm seems to be calming.

This has to be a dream.

I have no reason to feel unsteady.

You are my perfect balance.

All I have to do is wake up and see you

there, and there it is. This warmth over

my heart. I am completely in awe of how

you have captured my spirit with yours.

We are just waiting on the world to catch up

with us and we need no roads,no sleep, and

nothing but each other.

I want nothing more than to lay there with you

and be the one who your completely lost to.

different.

how i wanted things to be different.

i thought i was happy and in love.

truth is i never knew what i was doing.

everyday i was just going through the

motions. im sorry that i made you think

that i was truly madly and deeply with you.

i know now that you are going to be happier

when you see how it could be without the

pressure of us. i almost have this urge to

say i may have never loved you. we werent

meant to be, none of this was a good idea.

you seem to have gotten wrapped up in your

sadness, and im sorry for that but you cant always

have someone to fight your battles. so im walking

to show you that i can do this on my own. you

were just something that wanted to contain me

in your boxes. but sometimes i want to step out

of the normal and be a little weird or crazy. but that

is what gives me fire, and i dont think you ever had

any of your fire until i left. and im sorry for this. it is truly

what needs to be done, and we need to walk away with

the truth that is life goes on, in many directions so why

must i choose just one? i want the world in photographs,

my heart on my sleeve, and knowing that one day i will

be right where i want to be because i have seen and captured

so many beautiful truths. i will be that person i never was with you.

and someone will see the beauty in that. the beauty that makes me

different.

day by day

time flies.


the air has turned cold, voices are filling with cheer.
its a time of family and love, and another year gone.
it all goes so quickly, and there is nothing you can do
to slow it down. you cant believe the three year old
topsy turvy girl isnt the tiny ball of pink just snuggled
in your arms. everyone is growing up and moving towards
greater things in life. tomorrow is right around the corner,
and it seems like it comes to fast. maybe tomorrow will
slow down just for me. so i can capture the moment of life
and family and see just how much these things mean to me.
just to know that i love and care.

Compromise, i think not.

It's all so strange. I have to figure myself out again.

It's hard to say I have a memory without you in it.

Everyday things seem foreign without your presence.

I choke back the screams that roar in my chest.

My anger turned on me faster than I thought.

Now its replaced by fear, letting go is a nightmare,

Except I cant wake up, and I wont ever let go of

the piece of me that is you.

now i just see... straight ahead.

life has been kind of slow lately.

the air has that hint of cold, that i have grown

very fond of. the cold just makes me remember.

there is one more year behind me. i worry about

wasted time. things aren't the same.

its rather annoying, that i cannot understand

why i can't change things.

i am worried that im already who im going

to be, or do i still get the chance to prove

that they were all wrong. give me the

words of endearment. i will take them

and understand where your coming from.

Accidents.

So apparently when you are now in an accident and not a lawyer, any insurance company involved is supposed to put you through the mill. Luckily, the everyone in the accident came out alright, and the guy who hit us did have insurance. Three cars in the accident and only ours had to be totaled? Along with that i'm apparently the only one who is still in pain, and I feel like people are questioning my pain as well. I didn't ask to be rear ended and then slammed into the car in front of us, while going to fill out paper work for a new job in a car we just bought! My pain is definately real, and now the insurance company only wants to pay half of my bills? I dont think so, I am not able to work now because I can't lift anything over ten pounds and they apparently wont hire you if you arent cleared by a doctor. Who knew?
This whole thing has made me nervous to ride in cars, im constantly freaking out when im at a red light, and the flash backs have to be the most difficult. I know that it was just a car accident, but it really freaked me out.
I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to see if I can even make sense of all of this. I really just need my medical bills to be paid because I definately cannot afford the outrageous cost of being transported to the ER, and plus the chiropractor care now. It's really amazing how much money these people make! If I could stand the sight of needles and blood, I would surely be in medical school.
I also hope that Chris is able to get a new car, and his bills be paid. I'm not wanting us to seem greedy but it doesnt seem like it is a whole lot to ask. And it surely wasn't our fault or the car in front of us. These insurance companies are not going to just throw some money in our faces and hope we think its enough, im sorry but none of this would have even been an issue if the guy would have just been paying attention to the road.
So i guess im finally done bitching about this wreck so everyone can be relieved. I just hope that this lawyer is one who believes im in pain and is on our side.

General.

General.

I have to say I love my life as a live in nanny, I love Charlie and Mallory like family, and Heather and Adam have been very good to me. Chris has once again rescued me from being an anxiety overloaded mess. And I honestly think that I have caught a break with getting a main stream job. None of this would have even have been possible without Heather and Adam.
I dont expect life to get any less difficult from this point, just more interesting. I have been thinking about the big picture rather than just today, and it couldn't be more nerve-racking.
When I think about all the steps I am about to take, I am honestly glad to have all these people
around me to turn to. School is definately still priority number one. People work and go to school
and still have lives right? It's not that simple, I know I will have to give up alot in order to do things this way. Turning points in life are hard for me, they make me want to up and run but I know that it's time to be a an adult. And i'm going to do this.

Changes.

There are going to be alot of changes in my life over the next year.
I am hoping that everything goes as smoothly as possible, but I know
there will be alot of bumps in the road.
I am honestly nervous about trying to be an adult yet again.
Its nerve racking but all will be well in the end right?

To my lover.

Indeed My Love.

I see how you look at me when you think I am not looking.
Sincere and loving, you may think your one tough man.
But I see the passion you have for me. What you dont see is
that mine is so much greater my love.
You see, our love has been complicated, but there has never been
lacking in our passion. I crave your understand arms, and the drive
you give me. I have never felt this much power in my life.
Those who know us have seen the bad and good we have been through,
but I only see how I will never stop needing your stern tone in the back
of my head making me see the straight line I need to be on.
Just know that you will always be my backbone, and my one true love that
makes me weak in the knees and keeps me from leaning too far over the edge.
Indeed my love, you are the truth I have been avoiding.

High School.

I now know how it feels to be a friend of a high school girl.
Wow, I almost forgot how overly dramatic high school really was.
The girls are so catty and it seems like they are all out to get each
other! I honestly only remember a few traumatic experiences
from the old days... which really aren't that old. I was never in
the popular group, I ate lunch alone most of the time, I had boyfriends
but they were weekly. I let myself get caught in all the drama that I thought
was my life. I always fell for the jerks, and thought the fake girls were my
friends, only to be dissapointed monthly that my life was in ruins.
I look back now and see how much other people's thoughts controlled
my very being. If I would have had one person to say screw them, you
are better than that. I probably would have been able to make it through
high school.
I look at all these things that I thought made me good and beautiful and popular
when in fact they did nothing for me. I wish I could go back now and be who I wanted.
I would have done everything completely different. But wouldnt we all change things?
High school does not shape who you are. You do. It is your life and your choice to follow
or lead. You have to make this decision early and have guidance, but you cannot let people
fool you into not being yourself. Chances are you are cooler than any of the popular kids
will ever be, and you are definately going to go much further on your own wings than anyone else's.

goodbye sad love.

Head over heels, madly, deeply, and truly is not measured by how much you give
or what you do for the one you love. It is only measured by how deeply you can let
yourself fall into this beautiful thing we all call love.
When you wake up and reach across the bed loving the feeling of their skin on yours,
and hitting the snooze a few million times, just so you can indulge in that moment for
just a little while longer. When you know you can just cry and cry for absolutely no reason,
and he is going to hold you and ask if you need some midol just to make you laugh.
I have always wanted this simple love. I know that any kind of love takes effort and work.
I see that when you meet such a beautiful person, it makes it easier to love them.
Men do things on a level so much different than women, I see that all the little things
that he is doing that i would have thought were for him, I understand that they are his
way of doing something sweet for me.
If I would have opened my eyes earlier, I could have seen this and avoided a lot of
difficulty. But we live and we learn, we love and we lose.
I am ready to let go of all of these silly fears and love full hearted.
It is time to let go of all the sad things that have happened to me, and love
the beautiful things I have now.
I have an opportunity to build myself now, with a backbone.
To have happy love.
So this is my goodbye to the sad love.

Wait, whats my name?

So being young isn't exactly picture perfect.
I thought that by now I would have tons of
friends, be in the midst of getting married and
all the mushy romance. But it isn't anything like
that. I have tried so hard to stay focused on school
and myself but it's hard.
There has always been this one person who knows
exactly how I work, and been one to throw anything
right back in my face. Damn, I miss that.
I miss the passion I used to have for myself, and my
dreams. I feel like I will never see it again, because
I have no idea at what point in my life I lost it.
I really dont even know what my dreams and desires
are anymore. How did I figure them out in the first place?
This one particular person always kept me inspired. Every
single time we begin to flare I relationship up again, I am the
one who runs away as soon as it gets comfortable. As a matter
of fact, I do that in any situation.
What the hell is the matter with me? Where is my drive that
I used to have, my passion for photography, my passion to do
any old thing. I have noticed that I have been having more bad
days than good ones lately...
I thought I had fixed the problem but apparently not. I'm almost 20
and have no focus in my life. It is truly living moment to moment.
I have always planned every little detail of my life.. and still been able
to have my wild spontaneous side.
I have forgotten who I want to be and who I am. I am beyond lost in all of this
and it scares the shit out of me. When do you ever get to stop and look at your
life and say wow, I have done something for myself and it was actually worth all
the work.
I'm tired of working on myself and not getting anywhere. Where do I go from this
point. Everyone keeps telling me that you can only go up from the bottom, well
apparently this pit is bottomless, and I feel like I am never going to stop falling.

Revenge without trying.

There are those guys that you think wow, how did I get so lucky.
Well this guy wasn't like that. He was beyond perfect to me, which
should have been the first sign of how he wasn't. He always knew
what to say and I was thinking that it was real. Damn, I couldn't
have been more wrong. This guy not only fooled me, but a friend
as well. He turned us on each other, and made us both believe that
he was one of the good guys.
The sad part is, when I decided to move back home, I never said anything
bad about him. I took up for him, claimed it was all me, the problems were
all me and things would eventually get better between us. He led me to believe
that we were going to work things out and it would be all sunshine and fucking
bubbles again. Can anyone say young and stupid???
There was this part of me that looked in the mirror and thought that it really
could work, then the other part just laughed and knew how stupid that sounded.
I should have noticed the asshole signs flashing right in front of my face.
Well now that I have stopped being blind, I have let all of his faults out of the bag,
and now understand that I don't owe him anything. I deserve better than a liar and
a cheat. I need more substance in my life to tide me over.
This loser has changed my views on relationships forever. Sorry guys but the standard has
been raised and you can thank every dick that you know for this. I refuse to be walked on, used
and betrayed again. So to this particular douche, Fuck You.

lost beauty.

LOST.

You see someone hurting, but you can't do anything to help them.
They seem so lost, but what can you do? You know they have to figure
out things on their own, but don't you wish you could just make it dissapear?
We all have our up and downs, but isn't there supposed to be that one moment
where the clouds open up and you can feel the sun on your face again?
Or do some people stay lost forever... I honestly wish that things were different.
There's nothing anyone can say to make her feel better, she must conquer this all
on her own. I have been there, I have hurt the same ways. It could possibly be the
worst pain I have ever been in. But no one can understand you like yourself.
So how do you do it all on your own you ask?
Well, honestly i'm still kind of in it, but I focus on the little beautiful parts of my life.
If it weren't for you lady, I would be even deeper into the dark. So I must say this,
you are a true inspiration to so many people, you are loving, daring, and focused when
it matters. You have always been there for me, and now it's my turn.
Go ahead and breathe, look forward, and don't lose yourself. You are too beautiful inside
and out to let anything get you down. You will win this no matter how long the battle is.
Just know that you have so many hearts around you that are open and ready to feel what
you feel. And who knows, maybe they already do and could be there for you. Look around,
its beautiful.

LOVE.

LOVE.

Recently I have come to terms with falling out of love with love.
Why be in love with something that causes so many complications?
I have hurt and I have been hurt, my dreams have been crushed so
now I must make new ones.
Should I just forget about this little point in life that has always been
an issue for me?
It never goes well anyways. Too much drama, and you can never be
truly, deeply, madly, head over heels about someone without losing
a little of who you are.
I thought I wanted to love someone so much that I would be defined
by our love and to be that couple that everyone hated.
Now I see that I dont honestly know what I want from love.
I am angry with love.
Tomorrow I will not fall in love with the one from my dreams,
and not the next day either i'm sure.
But maybe one day when I am ready to let go of all the fear, I will
be able to trust love again.

It's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball.

There are so many things I would change. I'm almost twenty and I wish I had another chance to re-do everything. The voice in my head is never satisfied with my decisions. How do people just know who they are? How do you avoid being the failure? How do you recover from being the black sheep of the family your entire life? I feel like I have lived a hundred years already and regret most of what I have done. People try to comfort me with you are young you have your whole life ahead of you. Thanks but that just scares the shit out of me. I mean how much more can one person honestly take? I wish I could let the wisdom of others just make me think that I can do this but after I talk with anyone I usually just end up more confused.

If life is this hard in the first twenty years does it ever get any easier with marriage, kids, houses,cars,bills,and family? I envy those who have a niche that can release it all, because I thought mine was photography, but just because I can do the mechanics and love it, doesn't make me feel like an artist. I have seen the drug/party scene, and we all know that is just a cover up. I have loved someone so much that I would have given up everything I was and everything I wanted to just stay his Sophia for the rest of my life, and I failed at that. I can't even look at my family without feeling guilty for being the reason none of us are close. I hate that I will never be able to keep my neice and nephew safe and they will never know me. I hate feeling so lost everyday and having no purpose with my life.

Im tired of trying to perfect life. Im tired of nightmares, im tired of trying to be focused. I want to be loved, and craved.. I want something to go right in my world. How do you know what to do? I want something to make all this happy.