Sunday, April 25, 2010

Letter of Forgiveness.

Victim. This word describes how I labeled myself for so long.
This was my excuse for so many things. I would do things to
numb this pain and to drive it away until I could finally just
pass out. Nightmares were a nightly thing, and it became
normal to me. Breakdowns were common, depression became
a part of my everyday life. I gave up on ever being seen as someone
other than a Victim.

But now, I have decided I dont want to be angry anymore. So this is
a letter to the offender and to the people i call family.

You were supposed to be a protector and a guide. Instead you made me feel dirty, and useless. You took all of the peace and innocence a ten year old should have, and felt nothing. You were never punished, just protected, while I felt lost and scared. There was no one there to tell me it was okay, you just had a learning disability. That is crap, just because you have ADD doesnt mean you dont know right from wrong. Our mother was torn and I understand that, but in these cases you always believe. You continued to do all of these horrible,terrible things to me, and finally it just escalated. What did I ever do to you to make you hurt me this way? I had to watch as you went day to day like nothing happened. And everyday I wondered if that door was going to unlock and I would suffer again. But now that I am older, I still see you as a monster, who doesnt deserve the gift of children, and honestly when I found out you were having a child, I prayed that you wouldnt have a girl, because I knew I would fear for her as I did for myself. Your kids were taken from you, and you fought to get them back, even though it was your fault that she had a broken arm. You said it was an accident, but you also said you never touched me. It crushed me when I found out that you were getting them back, how could they not see right through you? Once you realized how much work it takes to be a loving caring parent, you pawned them off like they were puppies.. dont you realize they are people? They have thoughts and feelings and want to be loved. Granted they are in much better homes with better people who will never give them anything but love, they are your children and if you love them so much why arent you doing everything in your power to GET THEM BACK! You dont care anything about anyone but yourself. Now your wife is pregnant with yet another girl, and you are getting nothing but support when all you really need to do is be sterilized. You need a slap of reality. You are running out of people to give your children away to. But with all of this said, I have to say this, Im so tired of being angry, and letting you hurt me all over again with the nightmares, and fear that I am ruined. So I say this. I forgive you for all of the terrible things you did. I forgive you but I will never forget, and those children are such gifts to this earth, and I ask God to help them have peace and happiness, and there is nothing I wont do to protect those kids. Just remember forgiveness does not mean that people forget, and this does not mean I want a relationship. I have brothers, who actually cared and protected me. Now i'm stepping out of this darkness and looking forward to my bright future with the man of my dreams, who loves me and assures me that I am not ruined and has helped me with forgiving. God, has helped me with the forgiving. But if I find out that any of those children have been hurt, you nor the family which revolves around them will see any of them again. Just because you dont have a record of what you did to me, doesnt mean it didnt happen. That goes to all of the family as well, IT HAPPENED, and im forgiving him, but I refuse to sweep it under the rug like it never happened. But I forgive all of you as well. I have a protector who has always been there and always will be. God, will love and provide where all of you have lacked.